A man was walking along a California beach lost deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "God, grant me one wish."

Suddenly, the sky clouded over his head. In a booming voice God said,"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over any time I want."

God answered, "Your request is very materialistic. The logistics of such an undertaking would be enormous! Think of what raw materials it would take for
the supports to ever reach the bottom of the Pacific. Think of how much concrete.. how much steel! No, think of another wish. I can do it, but I can't justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time to think of another wish, one you think would honor and glorify me."

The man agreed and thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "God, I love my wife very much. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment. I want to know why they're crying, what they really want when they say 'nothing', and to know how to make them truly happy."

After a few minutes God said, "You want that bridge with two lanes or four?"

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When she returned, she told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not." He thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion," So God called another angel and sent her to Earth for a time too.

When the angel returned she went to God and said, "Yes, the Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good." God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good because He wanted to encourage them. . . give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what that E-mail said?
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You didn't get one either, huh ?!?

I've had a lot of time on my hands of late and believe that I may have the solution for the prevention of hijackings, and at the same time we just might get the Airline industry back on its feet.

Here's my plan:

Since Muslim men are not allowed to look at naked women we should replace all of our flight attendants with naked females. Muslims would then not board our planes for fear of seeing a naked woman. Of course every businessman in this country would start flying again in anticipation of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt and the airline industry would probably have record sales. Hell, I'd fly all over just for the scenery.

It truly puzzles me that republican congress didn't already come up with this. Am I the only one who thinks clearly on these issues?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

Two men go hunting. One sees the other lying on the ground, motionless. Worried that he's dead, he calls 911. Operator says: "Don't panic. First we have to make sure he's dead."

Hunter turns, and a shot rings out.

"OK," he tells the operator. "Now what?"

• • •

The prceding joke was recently voted to be the funniest joke in the world. do you know a better one? If so please e-mail it to us! The following jokes are attempts from the readers of the Kansas City Star to find a funnier joke

• • •

I have a dumb brother-in-law. How dumb is he? I went to his home last week and rang the bell. He came to the door with a big white bandage on each ear. Shocked, I asked him what happened.

"I was ironing when the phone rang and I accidentally picked up the iron instead of the phone," he said.

"Wow," I said. "But why do you have two bandages?"

"Well," he said. "I had to call 911 didn't I?"

-- Mike Mulcahy, Lenexa, Ks.

• • •

A bus load of politicians was driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went to investigate. He then dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later the police chief came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the farmer where all the politicians were. The old farmer said he'd buried them.

The chief asked the old farmer: "Were they all dead?"

The old farmer replied: "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

-- M. Stonner, Tipton, Mo.

• • •

A new bride moved in with her husband. She put a shoe box on a shelf and asked him never to touch it. For 50 years the man left the box alone until his wife was old and dying. As he was putting her affairs in order he found the box and thought it might hold something important. Inside he found two doilies and $2,500 in cash. Curious, he asked her about the contents.

"My mother gave me that box the day we married," she said. "She told me to make a doily to ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."

Her husband was touched that in 50 years, she'd been mad at him only twice.

"But what's the $2,500 for?" he asked.

"Oh," she said. "That's the money I made selling the doilies."

-- Mary Hilsabeck, Fayette, Mo.

• • •

A man entered a monastery where everyone had to take a vow of silence. Before his service began, the elders informed him that every seven years the brothers were allowed to speak two words. He agreed, and began his life in silence. After seven years the elders called him in and asked him if he had anything to say. He thought a few seconds, then said: "Bed's hard."

They acknowledged his response and sent him on his way for seven more years. Again seven years passed and he was asked if he had anything to say. He replied: "Floor's cold." Again the elders nodded and sent him on his way. After seven more years, he was given a chance to speak again.

"I quit!" he said.

The elders looked at each other and said: "We're not surprised. All you've done since you got here was complain."

-- Sara Scheil, Independence

• • •

A man and his wife were out shopping and saw a body parts store. Curious, they went inside to see what kind of parts were being sold. They were most interested in the human brains and asked the clerk how much they cost. The clerk said, "The men's brains are $500, and the women's brains are $50." The man said, "How come there's such a big difference?" The clerk said, "That's because the women's brains are used."

-- Rosalie C. Lane, Grandview

• • •

A man was passing a pet store and noticed a doggie in the window with a sale sign of $500. The doggie seemed to be mouthing words to him. The man entered the shop and sure enough the doggie said, "Good morning, how are you?" The man asked the owner if he had ever heard the doggie speak. "Oh yes," the owner said. "He's also told me the most unbelievable stories about being the pet of the Queen of England, Elton John and many other celebs."

Surprised, the man said, "Why then would you want to sell this amazing dog, and for only $500?"

To which the owner replied, "He lies."

-- Delores Mair, Kansas City

• • •

Jesus, Moses and this really old guy played golf one day. Everything went normally until they got to the water hazard. Jesus hit his ball into the side of the pond and it landed on some lily pads. He walked onto the water and hit his ball onto the green. Moses hit his ball into the center of the pond. He parted the waters and also hit his ball onto the green. Then the really old guy teed up and hit his ball almost exactly where Moses had hit his. Just then a fish jumped out of the water, caught the ball in its mouth, and just as it was sliding back into the pond with the ball still in its mouth, an eagle swooped down, caught the fish in its talons and flew toward the green. When the eagle landed, the fish dropped the ball into the cup for a hole in one. Moses looked at Jesus and said, "I hate playing golf with your dad."

-- Mike Forrester, Kansas City

• • •

How to impress a woman: Wine her, dine her, call her, hug her, support her, hold her, surprise her, compliment her, smile at her, listen to her, laugh with her, romance her, encourage her, believe in her, pray with her, cuddle with her, shop with her, give her jewelry, buy her flowers, hold her hand, write love letters to her, go to the end of the earth and back again for her.

How to impress a man: Show up naked, bring beer, don't block the TV. -- submitted by various readers

• • •

Yogi Berra was burning leaves when the fire spread to his garage. He called the local fire department for help.

"We'll be right over," the dispatcher said. "How do we get to your house?"

"I don't know," Yogi said. "Do you still have them red trucks?"

-- Sally Bono, Lenexa

• • •

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the "men of God," the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good friars to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close. Terrified, they did, thereby proving that Hugh and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

A couple had been married 10 years. One afternoon, the wife was working in the garden while the husband was grilling hamburgers out on the lawn. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said...

''Hey honey, you're getting fat. Your butt is huge. I'll bet it's as wide as the gas grill.''

Feeling the need to prove his point, he got out a yard stick and measured the grill, then his wife's butt.

''Yep,'' he said,'' just what I thought, just about the same size.''

The wife became mad and left him outside alone. She went inside the house and didn't speak to him for the rest of the day.

When they retired to bed that evening, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, ''How about it, honey? How about a little ooche coochee?''

The wife turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder.

''What's the matter?'' he asked.

She replied...''You don't think I'm going to fire up this big A$$ grill just for one little old weenie, do you?''

A young boy had just got his driver's permit and inquired of his father, an evangelist, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to the study and said to the boy, "I'll make a deal with you, son. You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car." Well, the boy thought about that for a moment and decided that he'd best settle for the offer, and they agreed.

After about six weeks the boy came back and again asked his father about the car. Again, they went to the study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you've been studying your Bible and participating a lot more in the Bible study class on Sunday morning. But I'm real disappointed since you haven't got your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment and then said, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that: Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, and there's even strong argument that Jesus himself had long hair".

His father replied, "You're right, son. Did you also notice that they all WALKED everywhere they went?

A woman's perfect breakfast:
She's sitting at the table ...
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl
and her husband is on the back of the milk carton

OBSERVATIONS - Most of these are attributed to George Carlin

Wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards. NAIVE

OK...so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea...does that mean that 1 in 5 enjoys it?

There are three religious truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

If you ate pasta and anti pasta, would you still be hungry?

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault.

Police warn all male clubbers, partygoers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be more alert and cautious when accepting a drink offer from a girl.

There is a date rape drug going around called "beer" and it appears in liquid form. The drug is being used by female sexual predators at parties to persuade male victims to have sex with them.

"Beer" is available virtually anywhere. All girls have to do is persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against such attacks. After several "beers" men will often succumb to performing sex acts with women whom they would never normally be attracted to. Men often wake up after having "beer" with only hazy memories of what happened to them the night before, just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men might be conned into a familiar scam known as "a relationship" - apparently men are easier victims for this scam after the "beer" has been administered and they have already been sexually attacked.

Forward this to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious drug and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open manner with a bunch of similarly affected guys. For your nearest support group just look up 'Pubs' or 'Bars' in the yellow pages.

FOR THE GARDEN OF YOUR DAILY LIVING PLANT THREE ROWS OF PEAS:

  1. Peace of mind
  2. Peace of heart
  3. Peace of soul

PLANT FOUR ROWS OF SQUASH:
  1. Squash gossip
  2. Squash indifference
  3. Squash grumbling
  4. Squash selfishness

PLANT FOUR ROWS OF LETTUCE:
  1. Lettuce be faithful
  2. Lettuce be kind
  3. Lettuce be patient
  4. Lettuce really love one another

NO GARDEN IS WITHOUT TURNIPS:
  1. Turnip for meetings
  2. Turnip for service
  3. Turnip to help one another

TO CONCLUDE OUR GARDEN WE MUST HAVE THYME:
  1. Thyme for each other
  2. Thyme for family
  3. Thyme for friends

WATER FREELY WITH PATIENCE AND CULTIVATE WITH LOVE. THERE IS MUCH FRUIT IN YOUR GARDEN BECAUSE YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW.