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Are You a Bi-Polar Dater or Have You Dated One?

By Lorraine Banfield MA, NCC, AHC,
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Are You a Bi-Polar Dater or Have You Dated One?
By Lorraine Banfield

For reasons I will get to here in a minute, many people seem to fall into two categories where dating and finding a love relationship is concerned. They are either too cool for school and operate as if they simply do not need a relationship but will be glad to take advantage of what comes their way as long as it doesn’t cost them anything or isn’t too much trouble or they are so desperate and needy to find someone that it is their one and only priority in life and they spend all of their time and energy on the pursuit of this goal. I call this Bi-Polar Dating. The too cool ones would never bother with going to a seminar, reading a book or going to an advice column on the Internet for tips on dating, relating and mating – they are simply too cool for this. The other ones, the desperately seeking ones, are too busy seeking to sit down and take a good long look at themselves which is what all these sources for dating information and advice would be asking them to do.

Of course, most people are in denial about a lot of things and what kind of dater they are is probably one of the more obvious ones. So let’s examine these two types and see which one you are or may become somewhere down the line.

Too Cool for a Committed Relationship - The Benign Type

People in the category of being too cool for a relationship come in two varieties, the benign ones and the toxic ones. The benign ones, in most cases, have been hurt in a past relationship or maybe even several and are using this as a cover to protect themselves. Depending on the severity of the wounding they may move away from the too cool attitude as time goes on and they feel more comfortable with a new love and become their true selves and develop a long lasting relationship with someone, maybe. The benign type could also just be shy and timid where romance is concerned and start out looking like a too cool type, but in reality will warm up and become less cool as they feel safer and safer with a new person.

Too Cool for a Committed Relationship - The Toxic Type

Those who fall into the toxic category usually come on strong, are very romantic, charming and do every thing in their power to seduce you into giving them what they want. They will show you the time of your life until the idea of commitment or a serious relationship shows it’s face and then the too cool for that demeanor presents itself and they are out of there so fast you may even wonder if you dreamed it. These are the players of the dating world and they can be men or women.

With male players they are usually seeking a sexual conquest, plus the adoration, delight and just plain worship the woman usually sends their way in the beginning.

The female player usually is looking for material rewards for her attentions. She will encourage and even ask the man to buy her gifts, pay her rent and lavish her with expensive dinners and trips. She is also addicted, like the male player to adoration and worship so she will want to be shown off to your friends and treated like a femme fatale – which is exactly what she is. When she begins to feel the man wanting her to commit to him and only him, she will pull away and usually use other men to keep the first man in line or she will just leave him and start up a new conquest, although some women of this type will keep a man on a string for years doing her bidding and buying her things, but she will never commit as this would be death to her.

The Desperately Seeking – The Benign Type

Most desperately seeking types are benign in the true sense of the word but this does not mean they don’t come with drama and trouble. To be desperate about anything reeks of turmoil and chaos. It also suggests an inability to create your own life in a good and positive way. The most significant issue a desperately seeking person is lacking is emotional maturity, the keystone of a solid relationship. So even though this person is not exactly toxic they sure can be difficult to deal with and live with. In a way, they are like a fourteen year old who has never had a driving lesson but decides to take the family car out for a joy ride and bumps into all kinds of things along the way and then finally runs off the road into a ditch, no one is hurt but it sure created a mess for the teen and his family.

The benign desperately seeking creates messes as well with people he or she dates. First, they are quick to fall in love and get involved. Then just as suddenly they fall out of love. Or they realize you are not exactly what they want and need and they begin a program to fix you. Or they find someone who wants to fix them and they resist and resent it – all hell breaks loose. It might be benign but it sure as hell ain’t fun. The other thing that happens is that since they have been totally focused on finding someone, the other parts of their life are a mess – unpaid bills, job problems, children problems, ex boyfriends and ex husband problems, you name it and they have it – in spades.

The Desperately Seeking – The Toxic Type

The desperately seeking toxic type comes in several varieties; mostly related to addictions and personality disorders. Here is the bottom line, if someone has an addiction, admitted or not, or they have a personality disorder, admitted or not, this will create a toxic relationship with those whom they enter act with and this is a statistical fact. The feeling of the relationship may mirror those of people who are simply lacking in emotional maturity as described above, but the toxic type is different in that in most cases this is an unchanging aspect of their character which is more than likely never going to change or is so statistically unlikely that it puts the relationship into the toxic category.

In the case of these people the reason their life is in chaos and disorder is because of an addiction or personality disorder – an untreated one. If the person has an addiction whether they admit to it or not, this is going to cause many, many problems in your relationship with them. They may not think so, but you will and these problems are at the level of poison, therefore toxic. In the case of those with a personality disorders it too will have an aspect of addiction to it. The person is addicted to the aspects of the personality disorder that make it work for them in some way. For example, people who suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder tend to create relationships where they cling and then distance themselves or they triangulate by pitting one person against another. Both of these situations will create attention and focus on the one with the BPD and in this way the person gets his or her need for attention and feeling special fed and kept alive.

The Good News – Following the Middle Way

The good news is that most people are not toxic and most people out there looking for love are not Bi-Polar Daters nor are they looking to find one. These are the people who are growth oriented, positive and willing to take a look at them selves, where needed, and make changes. They read books on relationships, go to seminars and read articles such as this one so they have a better chance of meeting someone for a true, authentic and soulful relationship. These people are in the know, or they are willing to find out what they need to know to be successful in this most important aspect of living the good life.

Another Bit of Good News

I offer seminars which are listed here on this site in the activities section I have and on-line programs for both men only and women only which can be taken anytime via my own website. I created these women only and men only programs because I have found that learning happens best in an atmosphere where people don’t have a separate agenda for the experience such as hoping to meet the love of their life. I have found that women and men both learn best without the opposite sex in the room. When you are only with your own gender or at home using your computer and telephone you are free to relax, learn and grow without getting distracted by that cute girl over in the corner or that handsome man in the tweed jacket. There are plenty of fun events listed right here on this website designed to get you out on the dance floor of life where the potential to meet the love of your life is just waiting to happen and I highly recommend them to you.

But I also highly recommend that all of you, no matter how savvy you think you may be about dating and relationships, that you consider one of these programs. I have designed them to meet the needs of men and women at midlife and beyond and know that you will come out a Smart Dater rather than a Bi-Polar one. Call me at 303-273-5589 or go to my website at LorraineBanfield.com and check out my programs. You will be enlightened about the opposite sex and learn some great things about yourself at the same time. Getting smart about dating and finding the love of your life is just like any other worthwhile goal – it requires knowledge, experience and dedication – take one of my programs and get ahead of the curve - you won’t regret it - I guarantee it!