Seven Off Ramps to Nowhere Men Take on the Road to Finding The One

When it comes to love and commitment, men truly are from Mars, at least that’s been my experience as a relationship coach. I see a lot of men in my practice who say they just don’t get women – one man called it brain damage. He said all he was getting was more and more brain damage from the woman he was dating and he was ready to call it quits with her.

Now, not all men out there in the dating world are looking for the one. Some are simply looking for the one right now, or the one that will get him through the holidays or the one who looks like she’ll make a good traveling companion for that trip down the Nile he’s planning. But unless you are a confirmed bachelor or a “never again” divorced man then you’re probably looking for the one whether you tell yourself this or not. For those of you who are I have come up with seven off ramps to finding her that you might want to check out.

#1. Judging a Book by It’s Cover. When it comes to screening women to date, many men screen only for physical beauty but as my mama used to say, “Beauty is as beauty does.” It may be a cliché but inner beauty is what counts in love and commitment. Now don’t get me wrong, physical attraction counts – if you’re not attracted. no amount of inner beauty is going to make it work. At the same time, no amount of outer beauty is going to make up for a woman who keeps giving you brain damage. So screen for beauty, your kind of beauty but then hold back and screen for character, values, emotional maturity and lifestyle – don’t commit your heart, even to yourself, until she passes muster on your scale of what counts and what doesn’t.

#2. First Date Monologues. Many women who talk to me about the frustrations they have with men say this is their number one red flag. One woman said she spent two and a half hours sitting in a booth with a new man who didn’t stop talking about himself for the entire time. He asked no questions of her other than ones requiring only brief one or two word answers. He was then off on another topic of interest only to him. When she finally said she had to go, he looked at her in surprise, he’d been having a good time, but by then it was too late, she had already decided he was too full of himself for the kind of guy she wanted.

Of course this is a conundrum for men since showing who they are is part of the mating ritual. You see this in the animal kingdom where the male has to puff up his chest or spread his wings and flap them around to get the females attention but we live in the modern world and this kind of thing can’t go on too long. I tell men to use the 10 minute rule. Talk about yourself for about 10 minutes and then ask her a question that requires a thoughtful answer and then listen for connection. You want to connect with her, not just make a check mark on a mental list of activities or similarities. One man told me he always asks a woman, “What’s the most important thing that men don’t understand about women but should?”

#3. Dating out of Your League. Now before you get your shorts in a knot let me explain what I mean here. The reality, and we have research to prove this, is that people do better with a life partner who is pretty much equal to them in most ways and are at about the same level of attractiveness, intelligence, self confidence, emotional maturity and they have similar values and lifestyle preferences. This is the like attracts like hypothesis.

If you’ll think back to high school you’ll remember that most likely the prom queen dated the quarterback and not the chess club president and this was because the chess club president and the quarterback were in different leagues or to say it in a more politically correct, they were from different worlds. So take stock of yourself - are you a ten or a six in terms of looks and other attributes. If you're a six and you keep asking the prom queen out on a date – you’re just asking to be rejected or taken advantage of – this may not seem right but it’s reality. Assess who you are – your looks, your intellect, your career and lifestyle and then find a woman who fits you and you will be a happy man.

#4. Putting the Cart Before the Horse. I attended a singles conference once where they held this forum where people were asked what they wanted to know from the opposite gender. The question that stuck out in my mind was the man who wanted to know how he could tell if a woman would be a good sexual partner without him having to date her first. This is the cart before the horse idea.

Most men, it seems want to know if a woman is going to be what they want in the bedroom. I would say, for a lot of men, this can be an overriding concern. But does it have validity? If a man manages to seduce a woman within a few dates does this produce a good relationship? Is being good in the bedroom the key element in a relationship going the distance? I have not found this to be true. Of all the couples I’ve seen in my practice, sex has never been the problem that caused them to seek counseling. It’s the other things; lack of emotional maturity, poor communication, narcissism, personality problems and so on that caused the relationship to go south, not the other way around.

If you love someone then learning how to please them in bed can be a wonderful experience but if you get all hot and bothered with a person who really doesn’t fit for you, then no amount of hot sex will change that and after a time the sex will cool off anyway. So take your time with sex and look for other indications that this is the woman of your dreams. Sex and romance start in the brain anyway, so use that brain to screen for the things that really matter and sex will simply take care of itself.

#5. Talking Trash about Other Women or Talking About Other Women Period. When it comes to off ramps to nowhere, telling stories of how you’ve been wronged by other women and talking nasty about them with someone you have just met is a red flag of huge proportions. It’s also a red flag for a man to talk about other women period, unless it’s in answer to a question you have asked him.

Of course this is true of women too – any male bashing and the man gets the idea that you’ll be bashing him in no time at all. Here’s the thing, if your history is that the women you have been involved with did you dirt then you need to stop and figure out why. As Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.” If the women you have dated, married or lived with took you to the cleaners financially, cheated on you or lied to you, then you need to stop and take a long hard look at yourself.

By and large there are no innocent parties in relationships – we all collude with the other. There is always some WIFFIM – the old “What’s in it for me” idea. You got something out of it or you would not have been there. Figure out what that was and then take responsibility for it and stop the blame game – no one believes it for long anyway.

#6. Jumping from the Frying Pan to the Fire. Many men seem to see having a relationship as the same as having a job - they never want to be without one. So before one relationship is really over they are out there looking for the next one. I think this is why even though there are basically the same number of men and women who get divorced each year, there are always more available women – men jump right back into a relationship while most women tend to take their time figuring out what happened and healing their wounds.

The reason this is an off ramp to nowhere is that when you don’t take the time to evaluate why a relationship didn’t work out, you don’t heal your wounds, and you don’t get clear with yourself about your part in what happened then you will be more than likely do the same thing over again. Without personal insight and change you are the same person and will make the same mistake again. So take some time between relationships and do some inner work – if you don’t, the next one you jump into could just be the relationship from Hell.

#7. Playing the White Knight. When it comes to romance and love we have all been seduced by fairy tales, whether it’s Cinderella, Snow White, or Repunzal. The fair maiden, the princess is in trouble and the Prince comes along and saves her and they live happily ever after. It’s our romantic ideal. And to be honest, there is some validity to it. All women want to have a man they can count on, one who is strong and capable and who can and will save the day if need be. All men want a beautiful woman who is in need of him – he wants to provide for her and she wants him to – up to a point.

What’s interesting about this is none of these fairy tales ever shows us what happens after the Prince saves the Princess. What happens next? Well, it’s obvious to me that he does not keep saving her. He does not continue to rescue her day in and day out. If he does then what he does is create a cripple. In my business we call this co-dependency and it’s not a happy story.

Some men seem to want her to remain a damsel in distress, a princess in need of a rescue. Other men want her to shape up and become a contributing partner but if she plays the fair maiden she may want to remain dependent. This is the woman who is always in distress, always in trouble, always the maiden who simply does not know what to do on her own. Either way, this is a recipe for disaster.

So if you are a man who likes to do the rescue, to save the damsel in distress, take a moment to evaluate that damsel – is this a pattern with her, or is this a one-time deal? Is this who she really is or is she in temporary hot water? Unless you want a father/daughter relationship then pick a woman who doesn’t really need saving – not in the long run. She may need a strong man as a partner, all women want that, but she should be able to take care of herself until he comes along and afterward as well.

If you saw yourself on any of these off ramps to no where then take a minute and think about what you can do to improve your chances at love. The ability to self correct is a key ingredient in a happy, satisfied life. If you think you could use some help in getting better at this whole relationship game then give me a call - I love working with men and helping them find and create happy lasting relationships.

Happy Dating,

Lorraine

http://loveromanceandyou.blogspot.com/

Lorraine's private practice is:
Visions...A Positive Psychology Practice
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