As a therapist working with singles I hear a lot of complaints about people with baggage. Of course the one complaining believes he or she doesn’t have any because they “dealt with that” and it is no longer a problem for them. “I’m over it”, they say. What most of them have actually done is simply jettisoned all that pain and unhappiness off the back of their boat like so much unwanted garbage or they have stored it deep in the dark basement of their psyche.

When I ask them about it they indicate it’s not a problem and change the subject. But what I see is that it’s still there huddled beneath the surface of their consciousness waiting for an opportunity to come out and get the attention it wants just like a neglected three year old.

Here’s the deal – like attracts like – If you’ve got baggage then the person you attract will as well, that just how life works. This is the new mantra of the all the people out there using The Secret by Rhonda Burns. It’s all about the law of attraction, but Rhonda failed to mention that you can attract the negative just as easily as you can the positive.

Boundaries is another really hot topic among single people. He has no boundaries or she has too many or vice a versa. “I need to work on boundaries” they say when they walk into my office and they are right, but what does that mean?

What I see with many of the single people I work with and those I know personally is they create their boundaries out of their baggage. If they were married to a domineering person then they set a boundary that they will not date or even talk to a person they perceive as domineering. If they were married to someone who cheated, the first thing they want to know is have you ever cheated. If they had a relationship with someone who was commitment phobic and they want to get married then they set the boundary that no one with commitment issues or who says they don’t want to get married will cross their doorstep. And on it goes.

But these are boundaries against something and not boundaries made out of what supports you as a whole person. On the surface this seems logical – a boundary keeps things out. But a true boundary is simply where you begin and someone else ends. It’s about who you are, what you are about and like to do, and not do. It’s about what you will accept and won’t accept. It’s neutral, like Switzerland. A psychologically healthy person’s boundaries are not surrounded by barb wired fences with a sentry posted at the gate holding a Winchester rifle in the ready position. But boundaries created out a reaction to a wound, that is baggage, are often heavily guarded and bunkered encampments.

Bonding - ah, but what about bonding? All single people, by and large, are looking for love, that is to bond with someone, someone special who is made just for them. The soul mate idea comes to mind. This is a natural human drive – we are bonding creatures – it’s in our DNA. But with all this baggage and all these boundaries made from our baggage how in the world are we gonna bond with someone – it’s enough to make you crazy, but done right it’s enough to heal you. All relationships are teachers and healers if you pay attention and do your homework.

So what is the homework? The first kind of homework is to look inside and find your own culpability in the ending of your marriage or relationship. What were you doing there? Aside from some events that we really don’t have much control over, there are few victims as far as relationships are concerned. You were there, you made the choice to get married and to stay married and you chose the person you married or stayed with – to now blame it on them keeps you stuck. And this is true even if in reality they were jerks, unfaithful louses, alcoholics or mentally ill. You were there and you stayed, at least long enough to get wounded and to be carrying around all this baggage.

So if you want to bond with someone whole and psychologically healthy then the first thing to do is get clean yourself. In Alcoholics Anonymous they call it clean and sober and in a way that’s exactly what one needs to do here. Be clean about it, be sober, that is, conscious. Own up to your part in it. Own up to what was in it for you. Own up to what you got out of it and why you didn’t leave sooner. Simply own up to your responsibility for your life and look at all your boundaries and see which ones were created out of your baggage and which ones are clean and neutral.

By the way, the acid test of whether you are clean, clear and healed from an old relationship is how neutral you feel when you talk or think of your ex. If your thoughts or words are still negative or if you refuse to talk about them or you can’t be in the same room with them without tension, then you have work to do – you’re not healed from it yet.

My advice to singles is to enjoy the people they meet, to learn and grow from them whether the relationship lasts a day or a year or forever, but to never forget that they are responsible for their own lives and that happiness and fulfillment are an inside job.

Lorraine Banfield recently created the Life as Art Studio, a place where life artists are awakened to their life purpose...

"Life is a work of art and you are the painter of that canvas and the writer of that tale so make it as beautiful, soulful and meaningful as only you, the unique person that you are, can make it." Lorraine

http://lifeasartstudio.blogspot.com/

Lorraine's private parctice is:
Visions...A Positive Psychology Practice
LorraineBanfield.Com
303-273-5589

Coaching - Psychotherapy - Seminars - Workshops - Retreats
2755 S. Locust Street, Suite 217
Denver, CO 80222
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